Thursday, August 28, 2008

Wagons and Falling, A short course in Reality

Subtitled: My issues and a conversation ( but not in that order)

Whit: Are you going for a run today?
Me: I don't think so. I have way too much to do.
Whit: Like what?
Me: Well I have housework and homework and I wanted to watch this movie.
Whit: Ok then, I'll see you later.

Several hours later.

Whit: Did you get your homework done?
Me: Nope, I got distracted, but check out this thing that I found online. Isn't it cool?
Whit: That's great but I thought you had stuff to do?
Me: I did and I do and I will! I just needed a break.
Whit: Jenn, I love you but you are doing it again!

I have issues. I know that I have them and when I am concentrating on them I can usually keep them from cropping up. Lately I am not doing so well. So shall we check the bullet points of my life for the indiscretions. Yes! Lets!

  • I have a tendency to not stick with things that I plan to do. Actually, I am discovering that the more structured I make my plans, the less likely I am to stick with them. I was doing great as long as it was a matter of choosing to go for my run each day, but as soon as I put it down on paper exactly what I wanted to do, it no longer worked. Not because I could not do it or because the plan was unreasonable, but because for some reason I don't do well with structure. This is a frustrating problem because I am so totally anal retentive about order and structure. I love making plans and lists, just don't expect me to follow them. I know that I need them because otherwise I don't push myself the way I need to in order to see the results that I want, but doing what is good for me has never been my forte.
  • I get stressed out a lot. Lately I have had tons of homework to tackle, family and friend obligations, money issues, car issues that revolve around money issues, can't find a job issues, and don't have time or finances for a little ego centric time issues. This has caused two things in my life, one is that the more I have to get done or deal with, the less I actually accomplish at the end of the day. The other thing is that I have reverted back to an old habit that I was hoping I had finally defeated. Escapism! I don't want to think about my life or the things that are going wrong so I escape into a book or a game or something, only to emerge hours later having successfully avoided the things I had planned for the day. I always think to myself " I will just sit for a minute and read then I will get stuff done" but I am only fooling myself, and I know it.
  • All of this lovely stress has brought on another of my arch nemesis', the cigarette! I quit several months ago and was doing really well until recently. Stress is my biggest trigger for smoking and I know it. I have defeated the habit of smoking but I have not managed my trigger well enough to stop me from lighting up when things get rough.
  • I am frustrated with myself, I am falling back into the arms of my old companion, depression and I go way back. In some ways it's comforting because I know what to expect when I am with depression, it holds me tight and doesn't let anything get in. However I don't want to be here anymore, I don't want to be held down. My eyes are open and I can see the surface of the ocean that I am drowning in, and I want that air so badly, but my old friend depression just holds me tighter as I struggle. I kick and scream and twist and fight, but for a while it feels like I am not accomplishing anything. I watch as the surface gets farther and farther away. I reach up my hand toward the blue sky above and start to pray for help.
  • I always get rescued somehow. God is there watching out for me. Even when I am wrapped up in depression I know he is there. So why do I keep falling if I know that he is there for me? Why don't I go to him before my face goes below the water?
These are my issues. They can be very overwhelming, and I often succumb to them. This month has been a very busy one and I have had little time for anything but homework. I want to get a weekend job but I don't want to tell my friends and family that I can't attend their events. My best friend is getting married next weekend. My grandma has planned a family reunion for the first time in 20 years for two weeks after the wedding. We have to travel a long distance for everything these days and it's expected that we will just magically come up with the time and money to make these trips, however no one else wants to take the time or spend the money to come to us for a change. I am always inviting both of our family's and our friends to come up to see us, and I always get a "sure we will do that some time" but then they never do. They all make a hell of a lot more money than Whit does but yet it's too much for them to make the trip. These same people would get very offended if at least one of us didn't show up to their events. I actually have a friend who calls and complains to me that she never sees me anymore and when am I going to come visit HER! I have lived here for over a year now and she has never been to my apartment. I went to her wedding last year and whenever I am in town I try to stop in to her work to say hi.

Sorry folks, I got off track. As you can see I am feeling pretty upset and trapped right now. I totally forgot where I was going with this post so I am going to stop now.

I think I mostly wanted to say that I was going to get back into training starting this weekend after a two week hyatis. I will post more about that another time.



Mark Salinas said...

With so much going on it is a challenge to feel like progress is being made. I always feel better when when I go out for a slow helps clear my mind, organize a bit. I prefer to write down my list of concerns and tackle them one at a time, avoid being overwhelmed...put it on your mirror so you see it each day! We all take a detour now and then...just back on the path. Your journey continues! Thanks for sharing.

Jenn said...

It isn't a lack of planning that is the problem. It's an over abundance of projects and the resulting planning. I am getting back on the wagon this weekend. I know what I want and now that I am concious of the fact that I have been slacking I will push harder to get going again. I just hate it when I fall off.

Thanks for the comment and advice.

POD said...

What got me going (other than the death of my husband and wondering who was going to help me pull up my socks if I stayed fat) was a phrase I read. I know it sounds cheesy. But "Nothing happens until you decide."

It was an Oprah column from 2005. Don't laugh. I read this and lost over 100 lbs by dieting, watching what I ate, and exercise. I still have about 30 to go. But I can pull up my own damn socks.

So here's the bookmark from 2005. I go back and read it every so often...

POD said...

And I was sorry to read about your MIL. Don't worry about her. Concentrate on your own health so you can help her *if* she ever needs it. But you have to take care of yourself first.

new*me said...

it is hard to focus when there is so much to do. Feeling overwhelmed causes major anxiety for me too. Make a Mark said....and just do it. Come on, you can do it ;)

MizFit said...

hang in there
claw your way back ON the wagon this weekend and, when you do, DO NOT look behind you.

focus forward.
think about TODAY and not yesterday or tomorrow.

have you pondered writing even the barest of fitness mission statements this weekend too?

life mission statement?


L.A. Daze said...

You sound overwhelmed. Take a step back, evaluate what is on your place. You know, running and working out are great stress reliever. Make that your "friend" or security blanket when things don't go so well. Good luck, and I hope you feel better soon!

And those people who don't want to spend time/money on visiting you guys, I say F them! You need to put your own needs before theirs.

Jenn said...

Thanks everyone. I really appreciate all of this encouragement. I am getting back on the wagon and will post about it tomorrow. I am not going to let this get to me. I don't want to be that person anymore.