Sunday, November 23, 2008
Irrational Fears and Neurotic Tendencies: Part 1
Winter brings so much to my existence! I love it and hate it and love it again.
I love the snow. It brings back memories from my childhood like sledding and snowball fights. My brothers and I used to build snow forts and horde up as many snowballs as we could get our hands on. Then we would chuck them at each other with wild abandon! After all of the amo was spent we would try to build the biggest snowman in history (but the neighbors always had a bigger one, damn them). Which reminds me, is it possible to build a snowman without the little bits of grass getting stuck all over him? We never figured it out if it is. Our snowman always looked dirty!
I hate the snow. Roads are treacherous, sidewalk is treacherous, heck, even the front porch is treacherous. Especially when you have a fear of falling. It's funny really because I have fallen so many times and been ok, however my mind is a traitor and plays these little mini movies of people falling and breaking arms, legs, necks, and everything else! So of course every time I walk outside in the winter I have these mixed emotions, joy and fear! Love and Hate! The memories of happier times come flooding in along with the violent movies and leave me feeling overstimulated and exhausted. And this is before I have left my house!
I am such a total basket case sometimes! Hence the title of this post. Sitting here I know that my fears are funny really! I can laugh at them and tell myself that I am a fool, but that bravado changes when I step out of my door. I pretend to have it all together, I have been told how strong and brave I am, but in reality I am a festering lake of irrational fears and neurotic tendencies.
This is my confessional! Welcome aboard!